Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
