Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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