me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
