yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
