I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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