Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
