Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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