mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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