shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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