He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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