Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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