Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
