Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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