I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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