Im at strip club and am horny
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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