You're my little dorito
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
