You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im drinking this country out of the recession.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
