This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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