The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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