I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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