The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
