ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
