my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my being single is dangerous.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
