Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
