it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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