why didn't you poke me back
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
