and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
