How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize