Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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