I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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