drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
barbara walters just said penis...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
