I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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