drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
