You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
