I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
