I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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