Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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