Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize