Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
