Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
