I just cut my nipple shaving
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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