'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
