this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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