Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
