If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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