I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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