flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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