God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
