Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
