ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
