Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
