is your mom at the bar?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
