He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
