i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
