I want to make a zoo with you.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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