seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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