like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
