I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
