I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
